The question I’ve been asking myself recently has been “Who am I being?” This prompt, gifted to me during The Inner Journey, has been part of my daily meditation over the last four months. While my daily moods have constantly shifted, the answer has remained the same: I am being a heart-surrendered woman.
What Is Surrender?
This is a question I have asked myself for years. To be honest, I didn’t have an answer until recently. Friends who have adoringly loved and guided me mentioned an innumerable amount of times to “let it go” and “surrender.” As a diligent doer of both mental and spiritual homework, I certainly tried, but I did not get it. I didn’t understand what surrendering looked or felt like. I couldn't figure out the actions that I needed to take to achieve this goal.
After months of deep shadow work, I finally realized that surrendering didn’t require much “doing” of anything. Rather, surrender is about “being.”
Here are some recent insights I have had about the process of surrender:
Being in full trust of the Divine plan.
Being in alignment with my heart’s desires.
Being in love with my life and all the joys that my life has so generously brought me.
Surrender is the new patience.
Surrender is the connection to the flow of life.
Surrender is the connection to the flow of love.
Healing from Heartbreak
For me, these last three months have been a full surrender to love. Why did it take me so long to figure out this whole surrender thing? The simple answer to the most complex of questions: my heart was closed off. My journey to surrender had a few surprising twists, like when I realized I had locked up my own heart. Luckily, I knew where the key was, yet it took deep courage—and voicing some unspoken fears—to retrieve it.
Once I unlocked my heart, I realized that all of my former heartbreaks were of my own doing. When I look back at each pain and disappointment, I see how my shadow (that pesky locked-up heart) had projected false lies onto a premise that I was running my entire life on.
While my heart was locked, so was everything else.
Our shadow’s fingerprints truly are on everything. Certain relationships and situations contributed to their karmic parts, but the heartbreaks I experienced were ultimately my fault. I had broken my heart time and time again due to not understanding the true nature of my heart, of all of our hearts: love.
Love is the Lesson
If I broke my own heart every time, there must be a lesson behind why I needed the experiences. I’m currently seeing the lesson as a return to the heart, a return to love. Love is always there for us, we just have to tap into it. It’s almost comical how spiritual amnesia can take over. Like, how could I forget, time and time again, that the answer has always been and will always be love?! From my view, life as a human is a complete paradox and should be handled with humor as much and as often as possible.
Balancing Masculine and Feminine
Once I was out of spiritual surgery (the shadow work), I put myself through rigorous spiritual rehab so that I could move forward in my life as a heart-surrendered woman. I’ve always considered myself fairly balanced between my masculine and my feminine (I have a water sun and a fire rising). My fire gifts me the ability to develop a strong discipline that produces my work as a writer. This fire inside of me downright demands it. The last decade, I spent time nurturing my fire as the task in front of me was to lay the foundation of my brand.
What this spiritual rehab taught me was that it’s time to lean in and nurture my watery, feminine ways. This new decade will be led by feminine energy. Afterall, surrendering is a feminine quality as it allowing things to flow and come into alignment, connecting all the pieces together. The fire of the masculine built it. The water of the feminine will birth it. “Build it and they will come” requires the balance and participation of what’s already innately in me.
The Answers Are Within
I am currently seeing a glimpse of the woman I’m meant to be… and she’s stunning.
She knows who she is.
She’s in balance with her polarities.
She’s in flow with her feminine more than ever, yet still deeply honoring her masculine.
She is water with fire, which creates luscious steam heat.
She gracefully laughs at the nuances of being human, taking note of anything that needs more rehab.
She trusts that everything is lining up as it needs to even though it cannot be seen or fully understood at the present location.
She is heart-surrendered, allowing space for her life to unfold however it will.
She is filled with gratitude for all of the lessons; especially the hard ones that were part of her locked up heart.
She is committed to the Inner Journey, diving into the depths of her heart to love herself more, therefore loving others more.
She knows the answers are within her; she knows that the answer is always love.
She knows who she’s being—a heart-surrendered woman.
The practice of surrendering will surely be a daily task from here on out as I continue to ask “Who am I being?” I will dig deep to resource the answers within and I will show up as love. While we cannot know for certain how the future will unfold, I do know for certain that I am devoted to this evolution.